untitked (56)

Aku lelah berjalan sendiri, beriring dengan sepi, merengkuh sunyi.
Aku bosan makan sendiri, menonton sendiri, bahkan berdialog dengan diri sendiri.
Aku enggan jadi terlalu mandiri, melakukan segalanya hanya dengan sepi.

Aku rindu berjalan beriringan, dengan langkah kaki saling berkejaran, dan jari tangan bertaut sekali-sekali.
Aku rindu duduk saling hadap, bersahut kisah, dan bukannya berdialog dengan diri sendiri atau dengan kertas.
Aku rindu tepukan di pundak, mengacak-acak rambut, dan cubitan di pipi, asal tidak perlu bergaul dengan sunyi.

Aku menyukai sendiri. Tapi merindukan ketidak sendirian.
Aku menyukai makan bersama sepi. Tapi merindukan makan tanpa rasa sepi.
Aku menyukai menonton seorang diri. Tapi juga merindukan menonton tanpa perlu seorang diri.

Aku gemar sendiri. Tapi enggan selalu sendirian. Karena bukan penyendiri..

untitled (55)

365 days.
three hundred sixty five days.
365 days ago you broke my heart.
365 days ago you crushed my heart.
what you didn't know was when you broke my heart, you broke me.
and now,
365 days after, my heart still broken.
it's never fixed.
it's never healed.
not even a second for this three hundred sixty five days.
not even once the pain go away.
365 days ago you broke my heart
365 days after, it still broken.

untitled (54)

I never thought that I could love some one.
I didn't even think that I had love to love someone.
But then, life tricked me.
I actually love some one.
Unfortunately, like I just said it was just one life's freakin trick.
I love some one, but then he broke my heart.
The only heart I had and the only love left.
And somehow when he broke my heart, he broke me too along the way.
And it ruined me for a while.
Now, I don't even know if I still had a courage to love anymore.
Love is too complicated for me. Too hard, too tiring. It's simply too much for me.
But then I remember, what's up with all this heartache when I didn't have a heart to begin with?

untitled (53)

I just got out from a very crappy and unhealthy relationship.
A very bad one.
It ended bad, and it left some feelings that doesn't worth mentioning,
So these last couple months i used to woke up in pains.
my heart ache, my mind ache.
just because i can't bear the thought living a life without him.
it is sounds pretty lame, so i hid it so damn well from everyone.
i smiled, i laugh, i said i'm fine when truly i wasn't.
i'm far away from fine. i wasn't even in the same area code with fine.
i just hid what i've felt by sleep it off every morning till noon.
I sleep till noon without a bit worry that I might miss something because I knew there is nothing can ever happen to make my day better from it used to be.
I became bitter and bitter everyday.
Everyday, I live with a huge amount of regrets and a big fat "what could've been?" Question in my mind.
And it ain't fun. It kills me.
I start look at my self and ask my self "who am I become?".
Day by day.
I was ashamed of my self for being so pathetic and so lame.
I used to be this though-have-fun-go-mad kinda' girl who didn't give a damn rat ass to everything.
I used to like my self.
But lately I become this pathetic, lame version of me. I become the worst version of my self.
And sometimes I got scared of my self.
Everyday, I said to my self that one day there will come the day that woken up wouldn't be so hard. The day that wake up and living a life without him isn't hard at all. The day I realize that living a life without him is totally possible to do.
I kept telling my self that to give strength to my self until one morning I woke up.
I woke up without any pain.
I woke up and can breath easily.
I woke up and realize living a life without him was fine.
I was fine without him, a life without him isn't impossible.
And the truth is I didn't feel a slight feelings of pain when I recall the truth about there is no him in my life.
I'm fine.
I'm doin' just fine and I will be just fine.
then I remember I was once said that one day either he will come crawling back to me, or I will forget about him eventually. Well, I never thought "one day" is now.

untitled (52)

I miss you.
It's valentine's day for heaven's sake and I missed you.
I don't care whether you missed me too or not, I just missed you.
And I don't care what we are, I don't give any damn what our relationship are, and I don't care even if this thing between us can't be working out. I just missed you.
And it's valentine's day. And I hate valentine's day. And I want to be irresponsible, impulsive and crazy sometimes.
So for valentine day's sake, I just want to say that I'm freakin miss you..

untitled (51)

Siapa bilang saya orang aneh?
Saya hanya berbeda..
Saya hanya sedikit unik kalau tidak mau dibilang aneh.

Siapa yang bilang saya aneh?
Saya bukan orang yang suka duduk sendiri lama- lama di kedai kopi dengan sebuah buku.
Saya bukan orang yang lebih suka menonton sendirian dibanding beramai- ramai.
Saya bukan orang yang saking geek nya sampai- sampai sudah menonton semùa film.
Saya juga bukan orang yang merasa toko buku itu surga.
Saya bukan orang yang tidak bisa bedakan yang mana senang, yang mana sedih, dan yang mana yang biasa saja.
Saya juga bukan seorang pemimpi yang tidak perlu tidur untuk bermimpi.
Saya juga bukan seseorang yang sering berharap bangun dalam kehidupan lain seperti di film dan buku cerita.

Siapa bilang saya aneh?
Eh tapi tunggu dulu.
Itu semua saya ya?
well,
Okay,
Mungkin saya memang aneh..

Untitled (50)

duduk, diam.
berdua, duduk, diam.
termagu dalam diam, seolah tersulap gelap malam, kerlipnya lampu.
saling hadap,
sama- sama menyihir mata satu sama lain,
hanya terpisah sebuah meja kopi rendah.
mencoba saling mematri kenang,
meninggalkan jejak dalam ingatan.

duduk, diam.
sendiri, duduk, diam.
termagu dalam diam, bukan tersulap malam atau kerlipnya lampu,
tapi merenung kemana hidup berlalu.
tak ada mata yang bisa dipandang,
hanya sisa aku sendiri.
bersama sisa remah- remah kenang,
dan secuil ingatan.

Secuil ingatan tentang kamu.
Ya tentang kamu yang pernah duduk diam dihadapan,
Hanya dipisahkan sebuah meja kopi rendah warna cokelat berpelitur.
Kamu yang dalam diam meninggalkan jejak yang terlalu jelas dalam ingatan,
Yang duduk diam seolah tersihir gelap malam dan kerlip lampu.
Secuil kenang tentang kita,
Yang pernah duduk saling hadap,
Termagu dalam diam seolah tersihir,
tapi saling menyihir.
meninggalkan jejak yang tidak mungkin luntur seperti warna cokelat meja kopi rendah yang berpelitur..